So yesterday I got wound up kind of like a top spinning spinning spinning- spun not by an excited child’s hands, but by shoulds:
I should be…
And I should be….
And then there’s that thing I should be doing
or catching up on
or starting…
If every item on my to-do list were a person, the line would go out my door, down the road, past the two cow barns, all the way to the banks of the Connecticut, over the river (if the bridge vetoed out of existence had actually been built)—— and then some.
In other words, a long list.
Me, a top yanked by strings of thought taking the form of shoulds. In addition to being dizzied by duties of all sizes, I had been visited by an unfriendly virus for several days.
I did not exactly collapse into a chair, but finally, quite late, I did end up in one, too tired to keep pushing. Surrendering, I closed my eyes. Maybe it was sudden gratitude that did it, along with slowing my breathing, but the next thing I knew what rose from within me was: It’s about Love. It’s just about Love.
The tension in my shoulders softened. I settled more deeply into my chair and my body as I let drop the thought-heavy burdens I had been lugging around.
It’s about Love, not about how much, how fast, how efficient, how this or that compares to so and so. It’s about Love in the doing of a, b, c, d… and love for the one trying to make it to z, who’s feeling discouraged because she’s stuck at e.
It’s about Love for the body and mind doing what they do. Love for the fingers dancing on keys. For the neck holding up the head. For language with which to make myself understood to others and to myself. Love for a safe—-no bombs overhead or war outside the door–home. For the car that takes me to buy groceries and Love for the groceries, replete with fresh vegetables when the ground outside is frozen. It’s about Love for my digestion.
And it’s about Love for the to-do list, long as it is, that rises from my appetite for life and from life’s appetite for this one sitting here whom Love has wrapped in its unfailing, undaunted presence.
Love, at the heart of it all. Ready to rise and wrap any moment in its embrace. Love slowing the dizzy spinning. Love steadying. Love reminding me of my inner love, of who I am: a loved and loving human being engaged in human doing.
Love quiets me. The spinning now is of a different kind; I spiral in and in and in, and rest.
If I should forget again, if I let my strings get pulled and fall down dizzy, there will be Love—amused and compassionate—reaching from inside my heart to call me home.
Perhaps you would like to share a time that you found your way to the eye of a storm happening in your mind?
G'Mar Chatima Tova
I close with this customary greeting whose literal meaning is: "a good final sealing." I will add to that: May you know the love of which you are made. What better than to know this?
With gratitude,
Ani
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I love the compassionate wisdom in this post. And also love the comments! What a beautiful group of souls. Sweetness to all. Meira
Meira,
I somehow missed your comment until now. Older I get, the more I realize that treating myself and others with compassionate wisdom is key in this life. I often forget I have that choice. When I remember , it’s a homecoming. Thanks for your sweet soul in the conversation!
Ani
my favorite line: maybe it was sudden gratitude that did it. I love it. I love it. I love it. because this process is so familiar to me, too.
Wonked out about challenge of the day
I finally sit
to find Self breathing me into comfort.
Appreciating some little thing
or remembering a big great recent wish come true,
my inner smile and inner voice burst forth.
“the Self breathing me”
That’s such a key really, isn’t it—— to slow it all down and breathe and how incredible when we do that with enough Presence to feel breathed?!
I love what you wrote, too about the emerging of the inner smile and inner voice that arise from such Presence.
Thank you, Nancy!
fun to read your comment to my comment, like our own sacred game of ping pong.
-n
:)) Sacred game of ping pong! I like that.
I have often advised people to cut the word “should” out of their dictionary as it has no healthy purpose. Its only purpose is to create a sense of guilt that may, in some cases, result in action . . . .but it is always spinning action. Thanks for a beautifully written piece.
Thank you, Kathleen, for your comment and the good advise given to cut the word should out of our dictionaries. Great reminder!
From time to time, I have experimented with doing that and guess what? I am going to do that again starting now at least for as long as I can…
Thank you, Dear Ani !
Well: I couldn’t have said that – at all, or I would be saying it – or maybe just differently. (Where did that sentence go?) But in fact, all week (more than usually) I’ve repeated my lamentations concerning how far behind I am relative to where (my mind says) I should be…
O my.
Blessings you great loving being !
CBee
Oh that bossy, tunnel-visioned, tenacious, habitual, dear dear mind that makes such a good servant, but such a poor master.
Thank you for sharing, Carla Bee!
May your next week be lamentation free——even having fun in the doing.
What an inspiring post. I especially love the list of things you love. I have found that to be a great spiritual practice in my life as well! It’s as good as a gratitude list…and maybe it’s kind of the same thing. I am grateful for all the things I love. I just have to remember to love them and not get distracted away from them so much.
Yes, we have to “remember to love them.” And when we get distracted, just gently, self-lovingly, come back to our love.
Thank you, Nanette.
PS. Was just thinking how fun it would be to hear lots of peoples’ lists of what they love.
Reminds me of many years ago when, in the few weeks before Thanksgiving , teens in my several writing groups put little post-its all over—on the walls and doors!—of what we love. It was a joy fest!
What a lovely description of how we (yes — me, too) can find ourselves caught up in some sort of drama that seems reasonable because we believed the shouldthoughts in our minds. And then to be graced with the remembrance of what really matters. Beautiful.
Wonderful “keywords” in your comment, David:
Drama (that comes from) Believing our thoughts. Grace. Remembrance. Thank you for your sharing, David!